Picture me on Jeopardy. I pick "Bullshit hikes" for 600, and get a daily double. Alex looks at me and goes "This hike, in the Oregon Coastal Range in Tillamook State Forest, is total bullshit"
I go "What is Elk Mountain"
Then I win lots of money and high five Alex Trebek, because he knows Elk Mountain is some bullshit. Then we go out for drinks and shit talk Elk Mountain for 3 hours, because Elk Mountain is some bullshit.
If Elk Mountain was invited to a party, it would be the guy who won't shut up about his bad politics but gets mad at everyone else for disagreeing with him, gets wasted super fast, and throws up on the couch. Nobody invited him, and you can't kick him out because he's passed out in the bathroom and he drove himself there because he has no friends. Elk Mountain is some bullshit.
If Elk Mountain was a sport, it would be Polo. Only rich douchebags like Polo. Polo is some bullshit.
What I'm trying to say here is that I did not have a very good time hiking Elk Mountain. because Elk Mountain is some bullshit.
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Elk Mountain is a 2788 foot peak in the Coastal range a little over an hour from PDX, heading to Tillamook. It's part of a system of trails in the area, mostly paired up with Kings mountain. The trailhead is behind the Elk Creek campground. Immediately at the sign the trail goes up. And you will too, because Elk Mountain is some bullshit. I've hiked higher peaks (Dog, Table, etc) and steep hikes (Dog, Table, etc) but nothing this utterly relentless for such a span of time. Dog Mountain reaches the same basic elevation in 3 miles. Table goes higher, but only one section is really tough and it's only about a mile. Indian Point also reaches 2800 feet, but also in 3 miles. Elk Mountain climbs 2000 feet. in 1.4 miles. Most of the same elevation in literally less than half the distance up Dog. Elk Mountain is some bullshit.
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| The trailhead. Note, this might be the mildest grade on the entire way up |
I will state that thanks to a light dinner the night before and some misreading of the hike descriptions, I was under prepared. I've also been rather sedentary for several weeks due to a hip injury I'm dealing with. Had I carbo loaded I might have not almost died, but even so, this climb is some bullshit.
You climb up a ridge pretty much the whole way. Several sections require hands as you climb up rocks. The trail isn't in bad shape, it's just mercilessly steep. You do get views on the way up so it's not all mental murder, and there were lots of wildflowers (Beargrass and Paintbrushes). Mostly though it's just up up curse up. I had to take a break what felt like every 50 feet. Every slight level section required a break. It took us an hour to climb one mile. Then, just when you think you've made it when it levels out, BAM! Just a false summit ridge. Climb another 500 feet, you mongrel. Elk Mountain is some bullshit.
The final summit is actually quite nice. Views in almost every direction of the wonderful coastal range clearcutting. It was like Saddle Mountain but lamer. Stunning. Over to the west you see Kings Mountain. Overall it's not like the views are bad, they aren't, but for the amount of work you just did, it feels like a bit of a letdown compared to other hikes I've done. Essentially all you can see is other coastal mountains, and it's mostly just green hills in every direction with the occasional spot of clearcutting making it worse. The views lack a sort of main subject to latch onto, like a river or major mountain, or even the ocean. King's mountain is the closest thing to interesting, but it's really more of the same. For a 9 mile trip mostly based on mountain climbing and views, I only took 19 pictures, which is extremely light considering how often I was looking for an excuse to take a break.
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| The View. Mostly just green rolling mountains. No subject to focus on. |
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| Kings Mountain. Not a bad mountain but still fairly plain. |
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| Wildflower |
We wanted to do a loop hike, so the plan was to take the Elk-Kings traverse trail and then head back on the Elk Creek cutoff. Only I misread the map and expected the cutoff trail to come quickly, not another 2 miles later. But wait, since we reached Elk Mountain and wouldn't be heading up Kings mountain for the 11 mile traverse, doesn't that mean it's all downhill? Hahaha oh you, you actually climb even higher to reach the cutoff trail! Elk Mountain is some bullshit.
Getting off the summit is a rock climb down 100 feet, then a scramble down even more hundreds of feet. Still, we get to go down, that's cool. Hahah nah, here's another 100 foot scramble up! Aww, I feel bad about that, have a gentle downhill. HAHAHA JUST KIDDING GO UPWARDS ON LOGGING ROADS FOR ANOTHER 700 FEET. At least the second climb is far more gradual and forgiving, and by that time I was running on rage, which is surprisingly useful fuel.
After the climb levels out onto a saddle between Kings and Elk, a sign shows up that points the way down the creek. This is at 3.6 miles in and the basic peak elevation. The sign, of course, says .8 miles to the Elk Creek trail, and once you do that, it's another 4 miles to the trailhead. All on a steady downhill. Well, you've already worked your calves into a rage on the way up, now it's time for knee murder. Elk Mountain is some bullshit.
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| The junction of Kings Mtn and Elk Creek |
The Elk Creek trail is a viewless forest walk with little to no charm. By the bottom I felt absolutely awful and not even a big burger and refreshing soda could improve my mood. My face was a dry, dusty mess. My hand had a blister from a makeshift trekking pole I made out of a branch on the grueling way down. I had no shirt on, which was a first.
The other big hike in the area was Elk-Kings traverse, 11 miles, of which we did the hardest part of. Maybe one day when I'm in better shape and eat a better meal first I'll tackle that beast, but it won't be for a while. I have no desire to come back here anytime soon, because, say it with me
Elk Mountain is some bullshit.
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