I left my brain on Franklin Ridge

Council Crest Sunset on Thursday

The day is Friday, May 13th. I've been walking 5 miles per day for the last two weeks. I've just finished my now daily walk up to Pittock Mansion. I wanted to go for a real hike today, but I was busy and lazy. I figure I can go tomorrow. I'll just get my pack ready, wake up early, and try to catch Angels Rest in the morning light. Keeley comes back from Iowa later tomorrow night, I can do a Dave hike.

The day is Saturday, May 14th, at 6:30am. Haha fuck this early morning shit I'm going back to sleep.

The day is Saturday, May 14th, at 9:30am. Okay fine, I feel great now, lets get cracking!

The day is Saturday, May 14th, at 11am. Man the internet is fun to look at, but I should probably go hiking. But today is so ugly! It was 90 degrees and sunny yesterday, and now it's 50 and rainy? Screw you Portland, although rain is needed so whatever you do you.

12:02pm Okay fine, I'll go. It's nice and cool, rainy hikes are refreshing, I'll wear my rain slicker and pants and I'll be fine. Where should I go? There is no point to Angels Rest on a day like this, I won't see anything. Maybe I could do Wauna Point direct, take that alternate steep route to the top, Keeley would hate that, so it would be better to go solo.

12:25pm, nearing the exit. Huh...if it's wet taking the steep route to Wauna Point might be a little too risky. Plus I still won't get a view up there anyway. Maybe I should do a forested hike with no viewpoints since I won't get a view regardless. What's a good pick...Oh! Franklin Ridge! It's a long loop (Like 10 miles I think) but it's entirely forested and I haven't done it before, I'll get some nice solitude.

12:40pm. Parked. Got a great spot right at the Oneonta trailhead. Wait are those people really walking into Oneonta gorge? In spring? On a cold day? Idiots, I'm much cooler than them, and better looking! (Flexes to no one)

Mile 1: LETS DO THIS SHIT. I should come up on the Gorge 400 junction real soon. Yup! there it is. Damn, that sign says 2 miles to Multnomah? That's my way back, seems longer than I expected. I'll be fine. TO TRIPLE FALLS! Now there should be a spur trail with a viewpoint near here but I ain't gonna take that trail, I got places to be! Late start, if I gotta do ten miles here I need to do at least a 2 mph pace to get back during a reasonable hour. LETS PUMP IT

Mile 2: I FEEL SO GOOD ALL THESE PEOPLE I'M RAGING PAST ARE SO WEAK AND FEEBLE HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE SO LAME, LOSERS? HELL YEAH I'M AT TRIPLE FALLS ALREADY. SEE YA LATER, TOURISTS! NONE OF YOU BUMS EVER HIKE PAST HERE! I HOPE YOUR CHUCK TAYLORS FALL APART. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I GOT BIG BOY HIKING TO DO.

Mile 3: Shit, I knew the trail past Triple falls would be a slog but this is bad. At least I'm making good time here. This is just a hot uphill trudge through rocks and whatever. Oh hey, that couple has a St. Bernard, that dog must be roasting. Jeez I am roasting, I better take this rain slicker off so everyone can see my haines white t-shirt. Doesn't matter, still badass. Oh hey, the log bridge, I should be at the Horsetail Creek/Oneonta Trail junction soon!

Mile 4: I MADE 3 MILES IN AN HOUR UP THIS MO-FUCKA! I am so great and awesome, that's killer time, I could get this done in under 4 hours at this pace. I probably won't, BUT MAYBE I WILL. So here is the junction, sign says 1.7 miles to Franklin ridge? Damn, maybe this is longer than I thought, I'm going up the short way too. Whatever, let's do it. This trail is pretty nice, actually. I don't hear people at all anymore. It's not even that steep, really. I didn't expect it to be heading north, though. Isn't the junction further south? Am I even climbing this ridge? I should have brought my map, damn. Didn't even think I'd need it since this wasn't the plan.

Mile 5: THIS TRAIL IS TAKING IT'S SWEET ASS TIME TO CLIMB THIS DAMN HILL COME ON. WHY AM I MAKING HALF MILE LONG SWITCHBACKS? Stupid Franklin Ridge. I can barely see the top all the way up there, ugh. Maybe I'll turn around when I hit the ridge junction, I'll get 10 miles that way and I'm beginning to think this isn't a 10 mile loop.

Looking up towards the ridge

Not scary at all

Mile 6: FINALLY MADE THE TOP. ugh. Man what's with the trees up here? There is no undergrowth at all. Maybe I've climbed high enough to hit the snow-line during winter. Or maybe there was a fire. I should look it up when I get back. The trail is kind of hard to see up here without any undergrowth to cover the unused ground. Hey, someone put up pink flags. That's nice. Oh sweet! I made the junction! Should I go back? Hahaha nah I'm a badass and besides, It's all downhill from here.

The flat top of Franklin, note the lack of undergrowth

Mile 7: Man once you stop climbing you go from hot to freezing really damn fast, better put my slicker back on. This trail is nice. Easy downhill, some overgrown sections with pretty wildflowers. No views though, that website wasn't kidding. There is nothing to see, just a walk through the woods. It's nice at least. Lots of atmosphere. I'm really far from civilization, I wonder if a bear is going to eat me. I'd taste like burgers. Man those burgers I ate yesterday were great. I hope bears don't like burgers.

Mile 8: WHAT, WHY IS THIS A SIGN, WHY IS THERE A 3 WAY JUNCTION AND THE SIGN COULD POINT TO EITHER OF THEM OH GOD WHAT IF I GO THE WRONG WAY oh wait I have cell reception here...take the left path. THANKS GOOGLE! I'm in the Multnomah basin now, should be long till I hit Larch Mountain Trail and follow the creek all the way back to Multnomah falls. Oh yay! I did it! The creek is beautiful this time of year. Wait, have I taken a break yet? I don't think I have, maybe that's why my knees feel like jelly. Maybe I should sit down....there is no place to sit down. (Keeps walking). Wait is this a road crossing? Multnomah Basin road? HOW DID THEY GET A ROAD UP HERE, THERE IS NO ROAD ACCESS FROM MULTNOMAH IT'S A SHEER CLIFF IS THIS A GHOST ROAD?

At the Larch Mountain Trail junction with FR

Mile 9: My feet hurt. My arms hurt. My butt hurts. Why is this trail so rocky. This is stupid. hiking is dumb. I should stay home and play video games next weekend. Maybe I could roll the rest of the way home. Wait, what's that trail? High water trail? huh? I've never seen that on a map, or mentioned in a guide. WHAT IF I AM THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN SEE IT? What if I am part of a special chosen race of people who can see this trail, and if I go up it I'll find an ancient temple and a creepy old monk will bestow me with special powers and I can shoot lightning and fly. Then I try to bring Keeley here and she's like "Dave what trail there is no trail" and I'll be like "You are not chosen" then I have to break up with her because I'm a superhero now and she would be in danger for knowing me. How should I fake my death? Car crash? Nah, too much collateral. maybe I can "fall" off a cliff and they never find the body. Or I go for a hike and don't come back. You know what, lightning powers are dumb, I want to be able to stop time. Then I can go into stores and take stuff I want while time is stopped. I'll be the world's best petty criminal.

Big John Creek

Mile 10: HOLY SHIT YOU FAT COW MOVE OVER CAN'T YOU SEE I'M FASTER THAN YOU I DO NOT WANT TO WALK ANOTHER MILE BEHIND YOUR SLOW FAT ASS BECAUSE YOU DONT HAVE THE DAMN COURTESY TO STEP OFF THE TRAIL TO LET FASTER PEOPLE PAST YOU IT'S COMMON TRAIL COURTESY GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH  oh good she moved. Thank you! Good for her, she hikes.

Man I'm getting into the touristy areas of Multnomah again. I probably look terrible by now, I know I sure feel terrible. Wait, why is my hat on backwards? When did I do that?

Mile 11: Where is the junction with the 400? Why am I not on it yet? I wish I could teleport. Then I could just go BOOP and be at the top of a mountain without any of this stupid hiking bullshit why do I like this I feel bad. What if I could teleport to anywhere I have a photo of? Wait isn't that the plot to a movie? Why do I remember that? Oh shit I said that out loud and that family is looking at me. Oh good, the junction. now just roughly 2 miles to go. Hooray! Hey isn't the entrance to the Elevator Shaft around here? Why haven't I seen it yet? Is it a fake trail? Did the landslide do a landslide again? Oh wait here it is. Man this looks weaksauce, I could take it. Not right now though, as my feet have literally turned to bricks. Wait. Oh no, I can feel a blister on my toe. THATS JUST DAMN GREAT (Kicks stone, stone does not move, now I have a blistered and stubbed toe)

The bottom third of the Elevator Shaft. I'll climb you soon

Mile 12: (All of this was said out loud to myself)
Woah, a fresh landslide here...why is the rock red? Is it lava? No it's not lava it hasn't been lava for MILLIONS OF YEARS but if you ask a christian the earth isn't that old BUT CHRISTIANS ARE STUPID THERE IS NO BEARDED SKY MAN MAKING LANDSLIDES WHY WOULD HE EVEN DO THAT? I can't wait till I see that junction from the first mile, then I'll know I'm home.

I'll be like "wassup sign?"

and he'll be all "yo dude what's up, haven't seen you in a while, man you look like shit"

and I'll be like "I feel like shit too but that's what happens when you hike eleven billion miles give or take my fitbit takes bad measurements HOW YOU DOIN, SIGN?" and he'd be like "you asked me that already bro but I'm cool, still standing haha you get it?"

And I'd high five the sign but it doesn't work out well because the sign is old and rotted and such and I just broke a piece off and OH BEARDED SKY MAN WHERE IS THE JUNCTION I WANT TO BE HOME and hey, is this trail going down to meet the highway? Really? Why? oh it's gotta go around that big rock and OH NO I HAVE TO CLIMB AGAIN THIS IS NOT THE PRINCE THAT WAS PROMISED I WISH NOTHING BUT DEATH UPON THIS WORLD FUCK ME THERE IS EVEN POISON OAK OVER HERE POISON OAK IS DUMB wait I know poison oak is poison to us but is it poisonous to everything? Like what if I rubbed a cat on that bush, would it get itchy? Are there plants that give animals rashes but not humans? Probably. I wonder what gives cats rashes. Cats are dumb. I want a dog. A big one, one that could carry me home. Home. I'll never see mine again. I'm going to die out here. I'm going to lay down in that bush and go to sleep. Why do I keep smelling a fire? Am I having a stroke? What if my car is on fire? What if I left the car running and didn't notice and then it exploded and I have to take a lyft home do lyfts even come out here maybe I can hitch on the next train like a hobo and HOLY SHIT THAT'S THE JUNCTION I MADE IT I CAN SEE THE CAR IT DIDN'T EXPLODE I DID IT I AM SUCH A BADASS HOORAY ME

Franklin Ridge loop:

12 miles
2800ish feet elevation gain
completed in 4 hours 20 minutes

I made pretty good time.

Also the High Water Trail is apparently a bypass for a part of the trail that floods, not a ghost phantom trail only I can see